365 Days of Grace To 1 New Year of Promise

As I read a challenge to take some time, slow down the New Year and think about what I learned last year, I thought about my year that I had labeled "Grace". Not only was I given grace once again by God and those close to me, I learned to pour it out on situations and those who challenge me. Here is a gathering of my thoughts.

Surrender - Starting off my mornings with my hands held out loosely was where I learned to start my day as I pray Jesus come. Surrendering to God Almighty to guide and fill me with joy. I ask the Holy Spirit to lead me to His heart and show me who He really is, and who He wants me to be.

Home- As my nest was blown away in 2003 and 2011, I have learned I do not control my life. No matter where God moves me and mine, how many times we re-adjust, whether we own or rent or what circumstances are driving where we are to live. I will survive and learn something new. I miss being fully settled and having a mantel and a fireplace to decorate but its not the end all. The point is God has put me in a new area to pray for those around me and spread his love. To show others who Christ is to us, and who we are to him. 

Life and death - Four is the number of funerals that I attended this year. From a man who prayed and spoke hope into my life, to my oldest daughter’s new foster child loosing her Momma, to my precious Aunt, and then my Sister in law. Death always has a initial sting or a spirit of rejoice. Three of these left abruptly and stunned those who loved them. We watched as our middle daughter and husband announced a new unexpected baby to their 3 excited girls. Then only to have a miscarriage open the door to grief. All I know is heaven is more appealing to me then ever before and I will serve my days to the one who numbers mine.

The past - How do I not look back once I have processed my past situations? I now glean it like wheat and find it helpful to use as grace to carry forward. Looking over my shoulder can take time off of my day and after too many trips backwards it makes me lose my forward movement and alignment. The past can teach you but it can also bring sorrow and put you in shackles keeping you from finding your path and destiny.

Gifting - Watching my youngest daughter, in her last year of college, use her gifts was a wake up call to my slumber. Dreaming without action is ineffective. Everyone has gifting. I wasted it by ignoring those heart pulls. Gifting's have been put in my spirit for a reason. They stretch me, build the inner self and touch others. I am currently on a new path with a online group called Hope*Writers. We are making room for each other to dream, to ask for help, getting a course of action and bringing encouragement. 

The weight - What goes into your spirit is what weighs you down. For me turning off media’s immorality and even the news that brings despair and weight to my spirit. I am replacing that time with things that are joy givers. Peace and prayer can rock your world around you more than pride of politicians and disheartenment of people and their actions. I believe God made two political parties to bring balance. Instead I see pride and blame. I am learning not to engage. To pray for the state of our country and the world. God has a hope and a future.  A Son who died for all of us and our errors. Amen to losing that weight!

Missions and ministry - I realized through my son that I have a distinct purpose and have been created to impact others. My past is my key determining what that path looks like. Watching our youngest son raise money, put his life on hold here in America and take off 6 months to give to others has been so impactful. His life took a turn and made me realize how little I do as a individual and we as a nation. How visually impaired I have been whether watching those in my sphere or further away. I have learned to look deeper at those who serve others in the simple or complex ways. I want to help others as I have been helped!

Perseverance - My oldest son rode in a race here in Colorado called the Triple ByPass Bicycle Tour. He rode for 2 days, 240 miles with 10,000 feet of climbing with gears and bike peddles over 3 mountain passes. The beauty of our land was crossed by those who had the will and handled the pain of the process to feel the reward. His perseverance taught me I could maybe get back my groove. So I started working out again to gain my inner core body strength, and uplift my inner beauty. A decision to help myself where no one else can, because I can. 

Control - I learned that creativity breaks the control I use that is self destructive. I have complained and put everything else I do as a wife and mother over my abilities. Maybe even enabled myself to feel empty and miserable. I choose God as my defender over my abilities. The whisper in my spirit to move forward. It is all a choice. We will see what I gain as I lose those things that bind me as I work with more intent on my creative side. 

My treasure - is not my material belongings but in those close to me. I am so blessed to be loved and have those around me who encourage me, give me a push and honest words. I say Lord, “Come with your glory. Have your way in me. I give you permission to mold me and take me further in my growth.  Remove the camouflage covering over my life and heart.”

Where is my next dwelling place?

My first childhood home on Mansfield, built by my Dad

My spirit is feeling stirred. Maybe in not such a great way, I think to 
myself. Becoming more unsettled? Yes, that is it. I know something is coming up. Maybe not immediately but something is getting ready to separate me from this present place where my heart rest. That feeling of boxes, packing tape and that annoying loud bubble wrap and ugly tan paper causes a queazy stomach.

Recently I helped a wonderful couple downsize from their home of 20 years to a smaller beautiful space. I have done this work before as a "Move Manager," so I know the inner turmoil. I listen to the words being spoken and the signs to encourage them when needed. When people have two feet in separate homes it is a tough place. You are drawn to the old home and the comforts. On the other foot trying to adapt your treasures into a new place and feel like you can make an imprint into the new is mentally exhausting on top of the physical. Not every shoe is made to fit, nor is a home. Sure enough, tiredness set in and the words came out, “I want to go home.” She said as she stood at the new kitchen sink. My lower lip formed a pouty face for her.

“To where the hearts inclined, the feet will follow.” 

                                       Robin Jones Gunn

In my life sometimes I have to look for the subtler hints that God gives me. Last summer I read a book that stirred my spirit. The story was so similar to mine. The author’s tale of selling a home she loved that had great heart history in order to pay a debt. Ok, did that twice, so lets pretend to move on. Or a book given as a gift that focus’s on “Nesting.” Based on how to find that happy place as you rent.  The intention was to give me pleasure in seeing how someone else does life as a Interior Designer in a home that is rented.  But deep within the message was encouragement to view that place of joy in the midst of not so perfect. Having to rent. Then a 3rd book, the latest fiction by Robin Jones Gunn. Not again a story on.. you guessed it, knowing a move is unfolding. Really?  Ok so I get the message. 

             Loud speaker warms up. 

PREPARE your Heart! 

Where is your dwelling place?  It can vary you know. For many, it is a person or being close to those that are familiar that you love. Perhaps it could be in a current or former home, camper or a location you grew up near.  For many it is in the heart or for others in the spirit. Some attach their heart to a event or a time they remember that was so hopeful. Is there such a place in your world with the tumultuous times around you that makes you feel safe?  

From a large home to a camper This is my brave girlfriend!

It is starting to sear my space, lose my place and tear my peace. 

If ..Oh if, I allow it to.

I recently read a story about a very large group of people who were set free from captivity. A very unsafe place. They traveled miles to escape and encountered many road blocks. They turned and looked back and could see the enemy coming after them again. The enemy regretted setting them loose. The chasing pressed these people up against a large expanse of water. Low and behold the people running found an opening in front of them and crossed over. Next they had to look in for their source of provision of food and water in the midst of weariness. Also, signs of light to guide them so they would not get lost by night or by day. Sounds tough huh? Can you imagine not knowing where you were going and what is in front of you?

They finely arrived to a very nice region that was offered to them with a couple conditions. They were too scared to accept the gift. So they sent in some bold family member to check it out. Upon their return three said it was very very good. Others said it was nice but they saw some tough people who look to big to fight in order to posses their land.  And the story unfolds more.

Many family members balked and said take me back to my former captivity. They knew how to handle the familiar. Those were the ones who lived in fear of the unknown but hated the fear of the former. Then others paused and thought some more. They sat and talked about it and decided they would go for it and do what was asked of them. In their hesitation they lost their timing. After much uncertainty some went and fought for that victory. Many family members died and so did the favor upon them. Their time expired. Why you ASK?  The gift was offered. Yes, But they did not trust the giver. The giver sees the heart and knows what’s best.

How many of us chose to go to a new place. Job, state or situation, but unfamiliarity over takes us. Fear creeps in or a voice speaks, the obstacles are too big.

Some of you recognize this story of the Exodus to the Promised Land. Many of us can imprint this story over our own. Fear, timing, not sticking it out, not trusting what the small voice said. Or simply mot be courageous!

Where is your place of belonging, of resting in turmoil or peace? What? 

You know, the place where your heart rests nightly when you quiet down and breathe in the night air? 

Come all who are weary with your heavy loads:

 lay down your burden, find rest for your soul.

 Living inside a mystery of where your journey is going is a hard place to be.  I want to shake people who have lived in the same place for twenty something years and say do you realize how wonderfully fabulous this is? That was me in 2003. Taking it all for granted. Before the rug got pulled out from under me and packed. But I stand on prayer. Do not be dismayed Rebekah, or hopeless. Your God, though quiet, is actively working behind the scenes and pulling circumstances together for your good. You have an active hidden role in how it is playing out and the timing. He waits and we react, and we react and he waits. It’s a tug of love even if you feel like it is a war!

I am reminded of this verse that is one of my favorites. “He or she that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.” Ps. 91

In my email drafts I keep a special letter to myself. Its been there for years. Here is what it says. Simple truth. Feel free to copy it, and insert your name. Rest your heart in near the presence of peace and security. Psalm 91

 1   Rebekah dwells in the shelter of the Most High 

     and rests in the shadow of the Almighty.  

 2   Rebekah says of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my        

       fortress my God, in whom I trust." 

 3  Surely he saves Rebekah from the fowler's snare 

       and from the deadly pestilence. 

 4  He covers Rebekah with his feathers, 

       and under his wing Rebekah's shield and rampart. 

 5  Rebekah does not fear the terror of night, 

       nor the arrow that flies by day, 

 6  nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, 

       nor the plague that destroys at midday. 

 7  A thousand may fall at Rebekah's side, 

       ten thousand at her right hand, 

       but it will not come near her. 

 8  Rebekah will only observe with her eyes 

       and see the punishment of the wicked. 

 9   Rebekah makes the Most High her dwelling— 

       even the LORD, who is her refuge- 

 10 then no harm befalls her, 

       no disaster comes near her tent. 

 11 For he commands his angels concerning Rebekah 

       to guard her in all his ways; 

 12 they lift him up in their hands, 

       so that she will not strike his foot against a stone. 

 13  Rebekah treads upon the lion and the cobra; 

         she tramples the great lion and the serpent. 

 14 "Because Rebekah loves me," says the LORD, "I  will          

        rescue her; I protect her, for she acknowledges my                      name.

 15  Rebekah calls upon me, and I answer her; 

       I am with her in trouble, 

       I deliver her and honor him. 

 16 With long life I will satisfy Rebekah 

       and show her my salvation."

Notes:

I was reading “Victim of Grace” By Robin Jones Gunn

“The Nesting Place” by Myquillyn Smith

“Home of our Hearts” By Robin Jones Gunn

The Bible, NIV

EXODUS comes from two greek words meaning “exit” or “way out.” 

Who Moved my Pillow?

Packing up our Cheetah Winds home.

What does adjusting, conforming, and uncomfortableness have to do with me? Everything! And I am not talking about squeezing into jeans! Adjusting into a new awkwardness. Letting go of the old can be a change to anyone. But to a person who is a nester, it is like a crazy person digging through a garden at midnight looking for a can of sanity. People around you flee and hide until the sun is shining again!

"Hole" - A opening into a hollowed out deep place.
"PEG" - a object needing to be secure a gap.

It was too soon for all of us, in our whittled down version of a family, to find ourselves in a forward path. For over a year my husband was circling in and out of selling our newly updated  near perfect home. The time that we thought was right happened in the spring of 2013. My husband scheduled my realtor friend over to sign a contract. I was given a week to conform to the plan and stage my own home which freaked me out. I was not physically, or mentally geared up for this new awkward passage, but in my spirit I knew I had been prepared. 

But the gate is narrow (contracted by pressure) and the way is straighten and compressed that leads away to life, and few are those who find it. Matthew 7:14 AMP 

As expected, the first day of showing our house, our family had a contract and a short amount of time to be moved.  A plan was laid out and there was no way but forward. I threw myself into preparing for a new adventure of where to live with a question of God's desire.. rent, buy? So many choices! The time span was so rushed and confusing. Trying to conform to the new thing and the new shape of the future! Dealing all along with the emotional loss of the familiar things and evolution of change. All along trying to be healthy and unhook our life from the former things that brought us contentment. We were so grateful for those close that supported the journey and we all noticed the missing masses.

We all like holding on to the familiar things that provides us comfort, joy and security.  Newness is like carving out a hole to try and fit into. Can I adjust or is the labor to hard? The question that always sticks, is this the right path, the right shaped peg for this gaping hole of time?

 “Moving”-transition, loss, produces deep emotions, adjusting, impactful

Come all you weary with your heavy loads  Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls

Our family was tired and still in shock as we moved 4 of us quickly into a 3rd floor, 2 bedroom apartment. With hundreds of lives around us in our small down sized square, we were disjointed, displaced, and though together, alone. Trying to act adventuresome to our upheaval teens when it was clearly unwanted and unfamiliar. Taking care to make the surroundings like home but not really hunkering down. Feeling friends and family stay away as to not touch the fray or upset the loose emotional marbles. Making meals in a kitchen that clearly was not ours was a gross feeling as the small refrigerator froze our food. This was abnormal and awkward. The new normal was hard and I would sit on the sofa with streams of tears falling down my face daily as I grieved for our family, the former things and again tried to fit in to a size that was not our ideal. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

My small refuge.

As I trekked up and down the stairs of the apartment with the dog, I constantly asked the Lord what was this about? My kids were trying to adjust, and my husband felt numb. I had to find my niche to stay sane. So I made a 4 x 6 rectangular corner of my world on the patio my hiding place. I sat there every extra moment and sought the Lord. The old and the forced new didn’t fit. What in my logic had to be thrown out? Low and behold I found what God was forcing me into. He reminded me of a preacher 11 years prior. I did not personally know,him. He spoke words over my sister and myself at the hospice of my mom, that we would write. How did a stranger know our hearts desire and plans?

So on a summer night on the 3rd floor patio of our apartment, I finally found the time and the freedom to explore. I look back and see God was leading me into my future. He directs your path and gives you a hope and a future as you enter into the promise land of things spoken. As I sat googling what I though was to be my blog name for my intended title, the whole path switched before me and I came across my new title for this blog. I can remember the moment and wondering how it arrived though I was present. And then it all came together. “My Camouflaged Heart” emerged.  

And the angel of the Lord went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. Numbers 22:26 KJV

So for me the journey of change was a tiny apartment out of my normal lifestyle to get me excited about a new path. The apartment was not home and we felt like we were sardines in a can. So we hunted and searched for a home to rent as we tackle this season of the unknown and wait for the future to unfold. We pulled up into the last driveway after a day of searching for a place to rest our heads and it felt like the closest thing to a home we had felt in months. So for the second time in 3 months we moved 4 people, a dog and our belongings. I worked again to make it feel like our normal. Joy was leaking back into our hearts as we settled in. We were tired from this strange journey and the second regrouping. 

Strive to enter by the narrow door [ force yourselves through it ], for many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able. Luke 13:24 AMP

As we drove away from the apartment the last time my heart ached for the foreigners who lived there who called this their home. The financially stressed. The older residents forced out of their homes by their children or death of a spouse. The single parents, like the moms who supported her kids. Or the men who support a home for their family and live in an apartment. I felt like I was abandoning my prayer closet next to them. This large area with hundreds of lives touching by a wall or a view into each others close window or patio. This must be a part of the new compassion of experience God has added to our heart.

A Iris left behind..there is always another bloom.

Our family fought and endured a hard challenge of transitions as God squeezes us into his path and pushed us out of our comfortable digs of a home into a rental. As our vision and understanding is limited, change has had many rewards. Searching of the soul. Adjustment and many questions. An excitement and wonder of what’s ahead. Turning off the old “GPS” of others voices that for years had given us directions that were not our own. A new season of holes being filled and new pegs representing trust that were being whittled as we cling to our family and our faith in the future and await the next step on this journey called life.

So it is with our own spiritual passage of life. I watch those around me having to adjust to life choices as a result of a situation that others forced them to make in a marriage, divorce, aging, illness or finances. I weep and cry for many in theses difficult passageways. I know the transformation will be life changing and impactful. Visualizing what could come, and the heartache of moving that cheese.* You hope the uncomfortable transition will pass quickly as they make the journey to something better and new. That they will slow and hear God's message and love and find he is the peg they need to secure the empty hole.

Journey to any new place is temporal and it leaves a big gaping familiar hole to fill. With the loss, is a new gain. Thus adding with it many large question marks!  So we sit with that question mark before us. With this coming year keeping peace at hand. My husband reminds me, “Faith brings hope, Hope secures the future.”                                                       

I say, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus
                           

Look full in His wonderful face
                                         

And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim
 

 In the light of His glory and grace”