I really didn’t think I would ever post this blog I wrote months ago. But when push comes to shove or in this case a poke comes to your heart there is no avoiding the inevitable mirror or the clothes of summer.
So I have a disclaimer to my friends and family. This is my take! My thoughts! My journey! Don’t take any of this personal. If you feel my examples are about you it might be or not. If you are offended then maybe if you can give it good listen, you will hear my heart.
You see for twenty some years I have cried out in my journal various things but the one constant has been my weight. I can say at times I do not care but I really do! I want to overcome this obstacle. Others have come to peace with their weight but I have not. I totally understand each place of this weighted journey. This has so many facets that revolve around my mind and life and heart. Ugh!
But recently I did not expect words from my client who thought if she jabbed my side and made a comment that it would all of a sudden drive me to the elliptical. Sometimes you just can’t wear enough teflon to coat that heart of yours! I pondered all day what I did to make her react and lash out at me. Because that is what people do. They hurt when hurt. I have done that to others and they to me. I am so very sorry!
Recently I was on guard to dodged a direct hit I was expecting in the area of my weight. You know who and when to expect them from. But it came in a different way that took me off guard. It slammed the heart of someone I adore who has wounds like mine. The deliver of the words was oblivious to their well meaning words. It hurt the receiver. They thought they were helping with a new idea and encouragement. Instead a new wound puncture jabbed their heart. It was unseen. I like them have many.
YOU ARE NOT HELPING, NOR ARE YOU ORIGINAL!
We see you coming, Enough of that. :/
Not to make excuses, but its my blog, so I will :) So I’ll get real. My mind has comebacks to my self talk dialogues. Here’re my un-original responses. Some out loud and some as a silent play back. So you think sir,” I have gained weight? Have you not looked at your belly and plate portion?” Or “Hormones and age do slow it all down, Really!” “Have you had 5 children and lost the weight 4 times?“ Whoops I forgot to lose for the third time with that fifth child who is now 18.. Or to the young women in their 20’s or 30’s who work out as their main hobby. I want to say, “I have been there with free time and I looked great! But until you experienced weight gain or motherhood, don’t look at me with disgust! I know you look amazing now but life will happen. Babies will come and you will get too comfortable.” Or,” Have you not thought maybe my path of life has cut my heart open so I’ll deal with it my way?” Or “ Someone you love will bring sorrow upon you or reject you.” And, “Life and death happen. Someone you love will die and it will hurt, you might comfort your self.” Everyone handles these things differently. Obviously, mine have over stacked. I handle it with tears, sarcasm and food.
I know my triggers and I at times I can stop it. But that day after the jab in the side, I wanted to hit the self destruct button. I was thinking the enemy wants you to react like this. It will helps his cause to keep you fat and wounded. If only I could pause and wait, the weight issue. Figure out how to not react ….without eating. But revenge of, ”I’ll show you has been my go to reaction.” Please let me comfort my heart with something! Please!
I really hate the library of videos that I can play of these scenarios. For example: over hearing others talk about me, sneer at me. You do your best to forgive them but it comes up and bites you occasionally. Words hurt and sting and jab and it is like a hot searing in the plank of wood with those wood burning pens. It spells out some awful words into your soul. My heart has broken many times with tears. I have curled up in my bed, I have run a mile but the words are seared. They just burn.
Sweets at the end of the tunnel! |
My sister in law told me once and I remember it to this day. Bek just keep doing the right things and when that day comes where your heart is healed, the weight will not be a issue. So I attempt to do those things. I fail a lot. I know my root of this issue has not been fully dug up to bring about that healing she talked about. I do believe she is right on. I can see that day! I dream of that day.
So, at this point after trying so many things, i.e. from books to fat burning pills, to a week at Pritikin, to working out to justify a meal, to losing weight for a life event to fasting. I am changing my view to working at creating my healed heart. This could be done in a instant or over time. With a work out or a prayer. I do not know. But I have to trust this process. I am laying down man’s solutions. Other’s voices! I am attempting at making smart choices in the natural. Knowing there are days I will fail. I can not be legalistically bound to man’s ideas. You might think I am crazy, but this is my journey.
Over the years I know what my heart issues are. Some I have talked about and some that are hidden away for a day when they can be shared to help others. But for now, I continue to look in the heart mirror for the reflection of my Savior who created me beautifully, “inside and out” ! I hold on to that. Seriously, He died for my stupid issue. I have a plaque by the side of my bed that reads, “Rebekah, Daughter of the most high King “ That I am!
I am the King’s daughter! That is my heavenly truth. My scale is not.
No comments:
Post a Comment