Thursday, December 17, 2015

Peace for a Princess

One of her watercolors.
At 5 years old my father was playing football in the living room with his sister. A perfect place for young siblings to play. Like any football player in training, mistakes happen. My dad’s shoe went flying off through the glass french door. As his father was replacing the glass he asked if he was going to get arrested. Before he had an answer his older sister piped in, “If he goes to jail, I am going with him!”  Oh, for the love of siblings!

Today was what most people would call a sorrowful day and a day to express their condolences for your loss. That was not the case for me this day.  As I heard the news of this death, I rejoiced! We had watched the long patient wait, to leave this earth. It was a cause to celebrate. When someone’s body dies, there is a tearing away of something that is earthly to what is linked in the spiritual.  A tear of the heart for sure on both sides of what she called, “The valley of the shadow.” A place to say goodbye. Many question where they will really go at their death. But this special lady did not. She really knew where she belonged and to whom. There is a joy for me that she is free of this earth. She is with her Lord and Savior, and many who proceeded her.

Her name was Betty White. Actually Betty Jane to me. 

As a little girl I would go to her house and be pampered by my Aunt Betty with bubble baths. Then put to bed with prayers and the sound of a musical angel singing a sweet melody to me as she stroked my long blonde hair on my pillow. I was her second niece, her princess #2. A special title as she hadn’t had any daughters until her sons married. This was a cherished long standing position for me! 

Her faith and ability to be love were a powerful combined force that carried a strong fragrance. I know that many people love me but this woman really, loved me with Christ’s unconditional love. I never really understood this until I became mature in my faith. Her corrective words would be the truth that carried a slow smooth flow like honey. She could deliver the word of the Lord’s heart with no spines or pokes. I never felt inadequate. I could accept and sift her words like sugar as the day emerged. She understood my life challenges and called it as it was. “Love to the niece that accepts what has been given her.” As I look back at that message, it encourages me then and now to keep moving forward, to change my outlook, or push me to let the past go.

Stain glass at Ascension Lutheran Church
I never really had the eyes to see until now, how my aunt inconspicuously had woven her life and talents into me. She poured into me as a new designer. We decorated a massive health club together. Floor plans, colors schemes, materials and finishing touches. What a great experience! Several years went by and after my first 3 children were born, she invited me to her Paint Box Club to spruce up my watercolor skills. There I watched her talent overflow into her relationships. The later years of Community Bible Study with her were some of my happiest moments. We both were blessed to see each other weekly. Her knowledge as a Sunday school teacher was a blessing to so many. Then watching her step out and do stain glass windows for her church with no prior experience and do them with exquisite precision was the most amazing feat. Merging her talent and faith for many to always be able to view.
She was a extraordinary woman of God who walked her days in peace, prayer and love.

One of our many common factor besides art was, she fell in love with her high school sweetheart. Our paths of struggles in marriage were similar, but different. We both had joys and different trials. She was a great encourager to persevere and to be self reflective.

Betty and Bob White
Pastel on Sandpaper by Betty
I recently pulled up a card she had written with her amazing handwriting and it said this to me. “Becky, you have been a good wife and mother. A young lady to be proud of! Life has not been easy, but you have always tried to do your best and you have done a good job. So do as St. Paul says and don’t look back, keep looking forward, toward the mark. Heaven is quite a prize for us all to look forward to and to make our children delight in.”  

Love my Betty Jane! 
I so look forward to my next heavenly moment with her. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Pancakes that topple.. Feet that touch.. Love that Last!

Life can be so super duper challenging at times. Sometimes the difficulties are just one simple problem. Before the week is over they become stacked on top of each other. It looks like a rush of heavy carb loaded pancakes just waiting to topple. The difficulties one by one are not so tough. But when the difficulties are stacked and they tumble into your lap, that is when the burden feels uncontrollable. The heaviness brings on the darkness. We all have at one time experienced this cold, dark, needy pit. But I am talking the darkest of holes.

Who do you turn to or allow to pull you up when those overwhelming places enter your week and intensify?

I turn to the friends who have values, perspective, a life of prayer. Those who know me the best. Those who are very wise. Those who hear the Lord. Yes, I have several. I choose them!

What happens when you burn those people out and they are worn thin? What ensues when you listen to too many voices? What occurs when they are really truthful and you only hear your inner trapped voice and you think you have no way of escape?

                Darkness and the souls of men can pull you into such a vortex of hope deferred. Proverbs 13:12
In this last long season of repeats, I visualized a grain hopper. Where life is poured in the top and comes out looking quite different than when it went in. You think on the second try it will change and look different from the first since you thought you cleaned up the fray. Do you think it might be a pretty single pancake with sweetness deserved and not a heavy toppling stack!

I am referring to a 2 cycle season of really tough times in the last 11 years. It has lasted longer than we imagined and has stretched us, changed us and worn us down and given us a great prayer life. Health issues over and over. Financial issues over and over. Job changes and second jobs that helped the wallet and bandaged the soul. Family issues where the more we stayed out the more we were drawn in. Times just intensified and circumstances piled up. Long standing friends just could not relate or maybe watch. I do understand it could play like a horror movie where you cover your eyes. Maybe if they turned off the swirling movie it would go away. Poof! Who needs to watch that? Ha! At times the silent thoughts of you wondering if they were judging or perhaps thinking God was. We felt that too. Was Christ defining us? Disciplining us? Shaping us for our future? Those who stayed close to us, questioned as did we.

Oh, and did I mention God? He viewed it before we were made, and loves us still!  

There was those moments in the heavy darkness before the light streamed in when the clock said 3 a.m., when I felt so very grounded. Surprising huh? I felt my husband next to me and the true comforter of God himself in the spirit.  

“Do not be afraid for I am with you” Genesis 26:24

Recovery or repeat? Oh, that road so worn. As we started the second go around in 2013 we prayed and we asked and we listened. We so badly wanted to do the recovery right. We thought we were making the right choices. But we felt like we were spinning through that hopper with our foot out. We should have been able to put that leg down but it just was not stopping. The thing is, many times the spin feels comfortable and its the stillness when your sitting on your butt with the fall out of the grain on top of you that it wakes you up. Grain is very heavy. So is the darkness of the enemy of hope deferred.

Being on the ground is cold, lonely and dark unless you will allow yourself to be touched.
“The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.” John 1:5

So we thought we had the comeback in place. The harvest was going to be sweet. But last fall my husband had a accident that had again taken us to the dark place. You know its bad when you are sitting in church and tears are streaming and the pain is on your spouses face. You know when those closest see the pain but don’t really feel what only you feel? And the enemy of you soul and mind speaks loser to you. Yep! That place! When you sit and stare into nowhere, with nobody and you're allowing satan to dump words and thoughts on you, and you just can’t move out from under the dirty, heavy grain! 

Pressing through the testing to breakthrough.
Then, more needed reality filters into the hopper by words from someone who loves you. Tough love words! It made me fall off the merry go round and skin my knees deeply. Eventually my spinning stopped. The spinning was replaced with days of tears… and more days of cleansing sorrowful heavy tears. I did not feel grateful for tough love in the pain. The tears are not done and the fear of the unknown has daily emerged. Again. 

I thought heavily of others and their sorrows and troubles and wondered how they managed?  Those without the peace of God? That’s how I got to grateful even in the darkness. Falling on the floor praying for my husbands pain and praying for others in other parts of the world going through intense persecution or even on this side of hell and heaven.

 “My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, 
where is your God?” Psalm 42:3

I floated back and forth from dark to distilled light for 3 days saying. “Really.. again Lord? “But in the dark of the night there are two touches I search for. I find each night I wait and rest for those moments to emerge. First, my husband then the spirit.
“By day the Lord directs his love, at night His song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.” Psalm 42:8
Seeking answers when one spouse is leery and one is trusting of something and you pray and pray. Then you flip the coin and one is trusting and the other is leery and you pray and you pray. How do you attempt to make the right decision? How do you re-structure the structure that was the new structure? God says, “All things work together for good for those who trust is in Him”

So here we sit again in our own reality show shoveling heavy grain off with another long stretch in front of us. We are exhausted! In their love our kids are exhausted! Our closest prayer partners are pooped! Now that we are on our bottom so to speak, we look at some of the ramifications and the advice we thought was sound and shake our head. We are going to figure this out and not use our usual means. Somehow God will be bigger than our choices. He promises a way out!.. Right??

I go to bed awake and in the darkness, with prayers on my mind, I fall asleep. It seems I must be praying nonstop in my spirit all night. I awake in the morning with the words on my brain. “Father save us, Lord help us, Jesus come. Holy spirit can you speak louder? Let me hear you!" 

 “He who forms the mountains, creates the wind, and reveals his thoughts to man..the Lord Almighty is His name”        Amos 4:12

In a text one night at midnight last winter one of my high school girlfriends blessed me with hope. It's those messages that encourages you. She said, “I pray you will be like Job and the second half of your life will be more than the first!” May it be true! That is what we wait for, that is what we dream. 

Granola centered happiness! Is that really healthy? :)
So tonight when I go to bed before my next hard day emerges, I know I am next to the one person who shares this pain that others only see. I will feel his touch in the middle of the night. Possibly several times. It’s the touch of my husband’s feet searching for mine or mine for his. Oh the familiar.. It feels right, even when things are wrong! Then the spirit will touch me and I will sleep.

Everything will be ok I am told. If I will just stop and kick the fear out and dream of that one beautiful light pancake! No stack of toppling carbs. No heavy grain falling on me. Just awaken to a good thing. A God answer. A voice saying it will be alright.
I love you with a everlasting love!

Cherish the moments of love, even in hard places.
So stay with us as God continues writing our story even if it’s at a distance.We understand. Even if it appears to be the part of the intense movie where you cover up your eyes. While you are there say a prayer for those people around you in tough circumstances and those on the other side of the world. Do a hidden blessing of prayer. And know I pray for you also! 

We will eventually see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and it will be a great harvest! 

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Where is my next dwelling place?

My first childhood home on Mansfield, built by my Dad
My spirit is feeling stirred. Maybe in not such a great way, I think to 
myself. Becoming more unsettled? Yes, that is it. I know something is coming up. Maybe not immediately but something is getting ready to separate me from this present place where my heart rest. That feeling of boxes, packing tape and that annoying loud bubble wrap and ugly tan paper causes a queazy stomach.

Recently I helped a wonderful couple downsize from their home of 20 years to a smaller beautiful space. I have done this work before as a "Move Manager," so I know the inner turmoil. I listen to the words being spoken and the signs to encourage them when needed. When people have two feet in separate homes it is a tough place. You are drawn to the old home and the comforts. On the other foot trying to adapt your treasures into a new place and feel like you can make an imprint into the new is mentally exhausting on top of the physical. Not every shoe is made to fit, nor is a home. Sure enough, tiredness set in and the words came out, “I want to go home.” She said as she stood at the new kitchen sink. My lower lip formed a pouty face for her.

“To where the hearts inclined, the feet will follow.” 
                                       Robin Jones Gunn

In my life sometimes I have to look for the subtler hints that God gives me. Last summer I read a book that stirred my spirit. The story was so similar to mine. The author’s tale of selling a home she loved that had great heart history in order to pay a debt. Ok, did that twice, so lets pretend to move on. Or a book given as a gift that focus’s on “Nesting.” Based on how to find that happy place as you rent.  The intention was to give me pleasure in seeing how someone else does life as a Interior Designer in a home that is rented.  But deep within the message was encouragement to view that place of joy in the midst of not so perfect. Having to rent. Then a 3rd book, the latest fiction by Robin Jones Gunn. Not again a story on.. you guessed it, knowing a move is unfolding. Really?  Ok so I get the message. 

             Loud speaker warms up. 
PREPARE your Heart! 

Where is your dwelling place?  It can vary you know. For many, it is a person or being close to those that are familiar that you love. Perhaps it could be in a current or former home, camper or a location you grew up near.  For many it is in the heart or for others in the spirit. Some attach their heart to a event or a time they remember that was so hopeful. Is there such a place in your world with the tumultuous times around you that makes you feel safe?  
From a large home to a camper This is my brave girlfriend!

It is starting to sear my space, lose my place and tear my peace. 
If ..Oh if, I allow it to.

I recently read a story about a very large group of people who were set free from captivity. A very unsafe place. They traveled miles to escape and encountered many road blocks. They turned and looked back and could see the enemy coming after them again. The enemy regretted setting them loose. The chasing pressed these people up against a large expanse of water. Low and behold the people running found an opening in front of them and crossed over. Next they had to look in for their source of provision of food and water in the midst of weariness. Also, signs of light to guide them so they would not get lost by night or by day. Sounds tough huh? Can you imagine not knowing where you were going and what is in front of you?

They finely arrived to a very nice region that was offered to them with a couple conditions. They were too scared to accept the gift. So they sent in some bold family member to check it out. Upon their return three said it was very very good. Others said it was nice but they saw some tough people who look to big to fight in order to posses their land.  And the story unfolds more.

Many family members balked and said take me back to my former captivity. They knew how to handle the familiar. Those were the ones who lived in fear of the unknown but hated the fear of the former. Then others paused and thought some more. They sat and talked about it and decided they would go for it and do what was asked of them. In their hesitation they lost their timing. After much uncertainty some went and fought for that victory. Many family members died and so did the favor upon them. Their time expired. Why you ASK?  The gift was offered. Yes, But they did not trust the giver. The giver sees the heart and knows what’s best.

How many of us chose to go to a new place. Job, state or situation, but unfamiliarity over takes us. Fear creeps in or a voice speaks, the obstacles are too big.
Some of you recognize this story of the Exodus to the Promised Land. Many of us can imprint this story over our own. Fear, timing, not sticking it out, not trusting what the small voice said. Or simply mot be courageous!

Where is your place of belonging, of resting in turmoil or peace? What? 
You know, the place where your heart rests nightly when you quiet down and breathe in the night air? 

Come all who are weary with your heavy loads:
 lay down your burden, find rest for your soul.

 Living inside a mystery of where your journey is going is a hard place to be.  I want to shake people who have lived in the same place for twenty something years and say do you realize how wonderfully fabulous this is? That was me in 2003. Taking it all for granted. Before the rug got pulled out from under me and packed. But I stand on prayer. Do not be dismayed Rebekah, or hopeless. Your God, though quiet, is actively working behind the scenes and pulling circumstances together for your good. You have an active hidden role in how it is playing out and the timing. He waits and we react, and we react and he waits. It’s a tug of love even if you feel like it is a war!

I am reminded of this verse that is one of my favorites. “He or she that dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.” Ps. 91
In my email drafts I keep a special letter to myself. Its been there for years. Here is what it says. Simple truth. Feel free to copy it, and insert your name. Rest your heart in near the presence of peace and security. Psalm 91

 1   Rebekah dwells in the shelter of the Most High 
     and rests in the shadow of the Almighty.  
 2   Rebekah says of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my        
       fortress my God, in whom I trust." 
 3  Surely he saves Rebekah from the fowler's snare 
       and from the deadly pestilence. 
 4  He covers Rebekah with his feathers, 
       and under his wing Rebekah's shield and rampart. 
 5  Rebekah does not fear the terror of night, 
       nor the arrow that flies by day, 
 6  nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, 
       nor the plague that destroys at midday. 
 7  A thousand may fall at Rebekah's side, 
       ten thousand at her right hand, 
       but it will not come near her. 
 8  Rebekah will only observe with her eyes 
       and see the punishment of the wicked. 
 9   Rebekah makes the Most High her dwelling— 
       even the LORD, who is her refuge- 
 10 then no harm befalls her, 
       no disaster comes near her tent. 
 11 For he commands his angels concerning Rebekah 
       to guard her in all his ways; 
 12 they lift him up in their hands, 
       so that she will not strike his foot against a stone. 
 13  Rebekah treads upon the lion and the cobra; 
         she tramples the great lion and the serpent. 
 14 "Because Rebekah loves me," says the LORD, "I  will          
        rescue her; I protect her, for she acknowledges my                      name.
 15  Rebekah calls upon me, and I answer her; 
       I am with her in trouble, 
       I deliver her and honor him. 
 16 With long life I will satisfy Rebekah 
       and show her my salvation."

I was reading “Victim of Grace” By Robin Jones Gunn
“The Nesting Place” by Myquillyn Smith
“Home of our Hearts” By Robin Jones Gunn
The Bible, NIV

EXODUS comes from two greek words meaning “exit” or “way out.” 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Waiting Room

KP and his dog
Sitting in the waiting room. What a unbearable place to be. Those stiff chairs and stares across the room as you see others who are also uncomfortable waiting for news.  I have had that experience quite often in the last few years. Now I find myself sitting at home for our next step and praying. Also in this time I am hoping, for a reversal of a condition for our dear friend whom I am afraid to let go of. 

Simplest of still water. A place to refresh
                 The other day I woke up uncommonly relaxed with no agenda. My husband mentioned we should call our friend as we had not spoked to him since Superbowl Sunday. My concern kicked in after I called and his voice mail which was uncommonly full still after a week.This has never happened in all the years of our triweekly communication.  My relaxed state was gone. Being that he lived out of state I researched my mail and found a common link to contact and emailed this gentleman to see KP’s status.
We had discovered our friends had hidden the severity of his health condition. He had taken a turn for the worse. My husband and I were shocked. He had dropped us clues in former conversation but never revealed the true diagnose. My solid diving platform which was my stability was knocked out from under me and I felt my soul going deep into old familiar territory. The uncertainty was swirling like a deep sea dive into the dark void of the ocean. This was a man who I turned to for Godly wisdom. He was as close as a brother but wise like a Father. We had the common thread of faith. I mean really strong. He could walk up to a stranger and tell them about Jesus with no embarrassment. I loved that about him!
His Momma's beautiful perfume bottle. 
I had become complacent that he would always be in my life. I believe he had his health concerns handled. My girlfriend had mentioned several times weeks ago she felt the urgency for me to go and see him. I had brushed off her words. I wish I could take that time back. Because I can’t, I deal with the now. Rear view mirrors make me miserable.
When you find yourself in uncomfortable situations you can turn it into action in the natural and prayer in the unseen spiritual world. So we prayed and flew to Phoenix.
His family for this season has become all of the friends who adore him as he never married. He was taken into a home of a high school friend. Talk about kindness! Hospice was notified and the waiting of not hearing has turned into a waiting of not knowing. 

We were usher into his quiet room. We found out that within 24 hrs he could no longer get out of bed on his own. Our window of time was still barely ajar.
KP''s visit with me in Sedona
 I got on his bed held his hand and we spoke to him of great memories over the years.  I played a song my sister had left for him on my voice mail and my dad called and spoke of their great times together and of their future residence in heaven. My husband who is a tender guy kept doing those big gulps and sighs of emotion. For some reason I got up and went and knelt on the opposite side of his bed and realized he had not seen me earlier due to lose of vision on the left side. He was very aware we were their and my husband who has a gift of healing in certain situations prayed for him. We read him Psalm 91 and 103. I wanted to stay and hold his hands for the next several days. As we forced ourselves to say goodbye, I leaned over and Said, “KP, I love you.”  His only words of the day flooded to my hearts he replied. “I love you too Becky!” Oh my! I will cherish those words for a long time. I had asked God for some sign and I got it. 

His former outside porch
Upon our return 3 states away I thanked my husband for praying. For being bold in that obedience of asking God for healing. My husband said that was not the amazing part for him but my strength and being the rock. You know both are needed at times and we fit together like a puzzle. Gods workmanship, not ours.

God controls the time
So we sit in our home waiting. We have learned how to wait. I did not say we liked it.  We are waiting on a defined corner as God forms our future plans. We have given God space and our hourglass to flip. 
Our friend is lying in, “the valley of the shadow of death.” My aunt says. “Its a place where you want to stay with the familiar of those you love. But God is calling you forward.  We give God the space to do his work. Even the breathe of hope that he would return him to us healed. See Update Below

A part of his work of art..
How are you handling the waiting room you are presently sitting in? Are you trusting God who loves you and is there to see you through this time? Are you allowing him the space to care and show his love even in the simplest of things like a window of time left ajar to say I love you…

Do you know your salvation is at hand? Only you can choose? It is through the one who forgives and loves you like no other. My friend would tell you straight up you need Jesus. No More Waiting! The redeeming blood of the cross and the one who died for you to give you eternal life. So I stand in his place and tell you to ask God for forgiveness of your sins and that you want him to live in your heart. Please do not wait!

The Lord Is My Shepherd
A Psalm of David.
1The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
Update: Our Dear Friend went to be with the Lord Feb. 12th at 4:32 A.M. Surrounded and loved. His Celebration of Life service is March 14, 2015 at the East Chapel of Scottsdale Bible Church, I believe at 3 P.M.

What are you waiting for? Lord Jesus, I need You. Thank You for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life and receive You as my Savior and Lord. Thank You for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of the throne of my life. Make me the kind of person You want me to be.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Reset 10,9,8,7,6....

A new drawing journal next to the old.
 Don’t you just dig countdowns? I do! “The reversal of order before a significant event! Like a New Year! Fresh and without history! 

Yes this girl loves it when things are                        RESET! Welcome 2015..

So thankful for advancement and BFF's
Last month I was watching the Orion launch in Florida and over and over NASA would for various reasons reset the countdown. I can still hear them doing the 10,9,8,7 count and then stop. Disappointment would hit my heart as the holding pattern was in place. Then the recount would start. Hope would then rebuild and then again a new hold. It took Orion 4 times and 24 hours to get to their perfect send off. The results of patience and success high above the sky. Jubilant joy emerged from Florida and within the hearts of many who invested their lives into the project. 


I have many things I have put on hold.  I thought it was God. Hmm Was it?
Would God hold my challenges or my destiny? Or is it the pain of refining that I have put on hold?

Philippians 3:13-14  “Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Journaling through a dark time in 2014. Zeph 3:17
Because much of my life I have not been able to control outcomes or misjudged outcomes I come with many forced resets. It reminds me of a jammed garbage disposal. You stick your hand down in to the muck to try and clear it and see what the issue is. You then do the broom handle in there to un-jar it. Then you put your finger on the reset button and hold your breath. Every so often we need to clean out the garbage and go fresh!

Now's the time to reflect and RESET
Recently I was reminded by someone I adore, of where I was stuck. It was not an easy word to receive but one needed as the New Year approached. When you get those words you can swirl and spin and not heed the words. But truth has a way of drilling deep into your soul if you belong to Christ. I could and did make excuses that I was tired, burdened, without my usual core of help but ultimately it was my responsibility to see what changes needed to happen and choose to resetWhen you are stuck in the disposal of your life you really have to search for the joy in the stuck. It stretches you like no other. My lesson reminded me that Christ came to give me a fresh reset whenever I ask Him and heed his discipline. Everyday we wake up and a have a literal reset and with that fresh excitement! We do not have to wait for a New Year.

Take off your hold and Celebrate You!
As we sit in this new season of time, this 2015. We have a chance to be thankful for the reset. Because the foundation of the world was set before our birth, God called and chose me by name. I Rebekah get a continual reset of a clean slate through God’s Son Jesus. The one I belong to. A sacrificial reset just for me!

When you are facing difficulties and disappointments, remember who you are--where you came from and who you belong to, says the Lord. I have chosen you and called you by your name, and you belong to Me. I am the King of Glory. You are being transformed into My image. Do not live beneath your station, but live by grace in My kingdom.  

Isaiah 51:1 "Listen to Me, you who follow after righteousness, you who seek the LORD: Look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the hole of the pit from which you were dug."

This year I am looking forward to the new open door with my specific dream key. Stretching to have ears to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Things might not get easier but they will be held with fresh eyes and a Reset Heart!

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here.” 
2 Corinthians 5:17  
Happy New Reset!