Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Fork To My Heart (I am not the pillsbury dough girl)

I really didn’t think I would ever post this blog I wrote months ago. But when push comes to shove or in this case a poke comes to your heart there is no avoiding the inevitable mirror or the clothes of summer.

So I have a disclaimer to my friends and family. This is my take! My thoughts! My journey! Don’t take any of this personal. If you feel my examples are about you it might be or not. If you are offended then maybe if you can give it good listen, you will hear my heart.

I come from a family whose father owned health clubs. Yep, the nice one where you can get any service you desire except for help in the soul area. So of course the family was expected to be in shape. Somewhere along the way words were spoken, boundaries ignored, and feelings hurt. Openly criticizing my few extra pounds in my 40’s. Attending those darn family gathering where you knew a comment or two were the order of the menu. I would put up a shield for those days when I knew the comment was going to spill out of those lips that just greeted you with a kiss! It’s not like you didn’t just spend an agonizing hour getting dressed. Changing outfits that would maybe hide ten, thirty or more pounds. Or making sure the rest of your appearance looked great so you would feel ok.

You see for twenty some years I have cried out in my journal various things but the one constant has been my weight. I can say at times I do not care but I really do! I want to overcome this obstacle. Others have come to peace with their weight but I have not. I totally understand each place of this weighted journey. This has so many facets that revolve around my mind and life and heart. Ugh!

But recently I did not expect words from my client who thought if she jabbed my side and made a comment that it would all of a sudden drive me to the elliptical. Sometimes you just can’t wear enough teflon to coat that heart of yours! I pondered all day what I did to make her react and lash out at me. Because that is what people do. They hurt when hurt. I have done that to others and they to me. I am so very sorry!

Many of you know I married a jock. The first time he saw me I was running stairs for gym class and then running again for tennis team. All 105 pounds of a 15 year old girl. Yep he liked that blond in the leotard. The one who rode horses, swam on the summer team, beat him in tennis. He thought he was getting that package. Whoops. Sorry babe! This girl who was pushed to be competitive was so uncomfortable with it. Being on 2nd team when she strived for first. Saying no please don’t make me do this sport inwardly to my mom. Thinking, Mom you love that sport, not me.  Its the wrong daughter who likes to ride horses. Its her dream not mine. This started to create a protective shell.  This is where i learned to just go along with what others chose for me.

Recently I was on guard to dodged a direct hit I was expecting in the area of my weight. You know who and when to expect them from. But it came in a different way that took me off guard. It slammed the heart of someone I adore who has wounds like mine. The deliver of the words was oblivious to their well meaning words. It hurt the receiver. They thought they were helping with a new idea and encouragement. Instead a new wound puncture jabbed their heart. It was unseen. I like them have many.

The unexpected lecture: The person who cares about you sits opposite you. They get that caring voice and they start to suggest one of many ways to get your weight off!  If you are one of those concerned helpers, really listen.  Just stop. Hush!  This does not help.  I..WE..HAVE..HEARD..IT.. ALL.  Here are a few example: “Do you want to do fitness pal with me? Or, “Maybe if you had a incentive it would give you the push you need.”  Or, the bribe. “I’ll buy you a _____ if you lose ____ pounds.”  Then, comes the recommendations. “Have you tried weight watchers new program or such and such a .com?”  “Have you read that new christian book or seen that movie star’s weight loss program?  And,“ Those new Garcinia something pills are suppose to work.”  

We see you coming, Enough of that.  :/

Not to make excuses, but its my blog, so I will :) So I’ll get real. My mind has comebacks to my self talk dialogues. Here’re my un-original responses.  Some out loud and some as a silent play back.  So you think sir,” I have gained weight?  Have you not looked at your belly and plate portion?”  Or  “Hormones and age do slow it all down, Really!”  “Have you had 5 children and lost the weight 4 times?“  Whoops I forgot to lose for the third time with that fifth child who is now 18.. Or to the young women in their 20’s or 30’s who work out as their main hobby. I want to say, “I have been there with free time and I looked great!  But until you experienced weight gain or motherhood, don’t look at me with disgust!  I know you look amazing now but life will happen. Babies will come and you will get too comfortable.” Or,” Have you not thought maybe my path of life has cut my heart open so I’ll deal with it my way?” Or “ Someone you love will bring sorrow upon you or reject you.” And, “Life and death happen. Someone you love will die and it will hurt, you might comfort your self.” Everyone handles these things differently. Obviously, mine have over stacked. I handle it with tears, sarcasm and food.

Over the years I have watched many fix their weight issue with surgery. That has never been the path for me. I don’t know why but it hasn’t. I think back to the days when I was so thin from unhealthiness of my heart where I barely ate. I starved myself into a size 6 when size sixes were two’s. And even the years where I worked it off so I could eat that day. Yes maintenance through exercise I have done that too!  

I know my triggers and I at times I can stop it. But that day after the jab in the side, I wanted to hit the self destruct button. I was thinking the enemy wants you to react like this. It will helps his cause to keep you fat and wounded.  If only I could pause and wait, the weight issue. Figure out how to not react ….without eating. But revenge of, ”I’ll show you has been my go to reaction.” Please let me comfort my heart with something! Please! 

I really hate the library of videos that I can play of these scenarios. For example: over hearing others talk about me, sneer at me. You do your best to forgive them but it comes up and bites you occasionally. Words hurt and sting and jab and it is like a hot searing in the plank of wood with those wood burning pens. It spells out some awful words into your soul. My heart has broken many times with tears. I have curled up in my bed, I have run a mile but the words are seared. They just burn.

Sweets at the end of the tunnel!
My sister in law told me once and I remember it to this day. Bek just keep doing the right things and when that day comes where your heart is healed, the weight will not be a issue. So I attempt to do those things. I fail a lot. I know my root of this issue has not been fully dug up to bring about that healing she talked about. I do believe she is right on. I can see that day! I dream of that day.

So, at this point after trying so many things, i.e. from books to fat burning pills, to a week at Pritikin, to working out to justify a meal, to losing weight for a life event to fasting. I am changing my view to working at creating my healed heart. This could be done in a instant or over time. With a work out or a prayer. I do not know. But I have to trust this process. I am laying down man’s solutions. Other’s voices! I am attempting at making smart choices in the natural. Knowing there are days I will fail. I can not be legalistically bound to man’s ideas. You might think I am crazy, but this is my journey.

Over the years I know what my heart issues are. Some I have talked about and some that are hidden away for a day when they can be shared to help others.  But for now, I continue to look in the heart mirror for the reflection of my Savior who created me beautifully, “inside and out” ! I hold on to that. Seriously, He died for my stupid issue. I have a plaque by the side of my bed that reads,  “Rebekah, Daughter of the most high King “ That I am! 

I am the King’s daughter! That is my heavenly truth. My scale is not.