Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A Fork To My Heart (I am not the pillsbury dough girl)

I really didn’t think I would ever post this blog I wrote months ago. But when push comes to shove or in this case a poke comes to your heart there is no avoiding the inevitable mirror or the clothes of summer.

So I have a disclaimer to my friends and family. This is my take! My thoughts! My journey! Don’t take any of this personal. If you feel my examples are about you it might be or not. If you are offended then maybe if you can give it good listen, you will hear my heart.

I come from a family whose father owned health clubs. Yep, the nice one where you can get any service you desire except for help in the soul area. So of course the family was expected to be in shape. Somewhere along the way words were spoken, boundaries ignored, and feelings hurt. Openly criticizing my few extra pounds in my 40’s. Attending those darn family gathering where you knew a comment or two were the order of the menu. I would put up a shield for those days when I knew the comment was going to spill out of those lips that just greeted you with a kiss! It’s not like you didn’t just spend an agonizing hour getting dressed. Changing outfits that would maybe hide ten, thirty or more pounds. Or making sure the rest of your appearance looked great so you would feel ok.

You see for twenty some years I have cried out in my journal various things but the one constant has been my weight. I can say at times I do not care but I really do! I want to overcome this obstacle. Others have come to peace with their weight but I have not. I totally understand each place of this weighted journey. This has so many facets that revolve around my mind and life and heart. Ugh!

But recently I did not expect words from my client who thought if she jabbed my side and made a comment that it would all of a sudden drive me to the elliptical. Sometimes you just can’t wear enough teflon to coat that heart of yours! I pondered all day what I did to make her react and lash out at me. Because that is what people do. They hurt when hurt. I have done that to others and they to me. I am so very sorry!

Many of you know I married a jock. The first time he saw me I was running stairs for gym class and then running again for tennis team. All 105 pounds of a 15 year old girl. Yep he liked that blond in the leotard. The one who rode horses, swam on the summer team, beat him in tennis. He thought he was getting that package. Whoops. Sorry babe! This girl who was pushed to be competitive was so uncomfortable with it. Being on 2nd team when she strived for first. Saying no please don’t make me do this sport inwardly to my mom. Thinking, Mom you love that sport, not me.  Its the wrong daughter who likes to ride horses. Its her dream not mine. This started to create a protective shell.  This is where i learned to just go along with what others chose for me.

Recently I was on guard to dodged a direct hit I was expecting in the area of my weight. You know who and when to expect them from. But it came in a different way that took me off guard. It slammed the heart of someone I adore who has wounds like mine. The deliver of the words was oblivious to their well meaning words. It hurt the receiver. They thought they were helping with a new idea and encouragement. Instead a new wound puncture jabbed their heart. It was unseen. I like them have many.

The unexpected lecture: The person who cares about you sits opposite you. They get that caring voice and they start to suggest one of many ways to get your weight off!  If you are one of those concerned helpers, really listen.  Just stop. Hush!  This does not help.  I..WE..HAVE..HEARD..IT.. ALL.  Here are a few example: “Do you want to do fitness pal with me? Or, “Maybe if you had a incentive it would give you the push you need.”  Or, the bribe. “I’ll buy you a _____ if you lose ____ pounds.”  Then, comes the recommendations. “Have you tried weight watchers new program or such and such a .com?”  “Have you read that new christian book or seen that movie star’s weight loss program?  And,“ Those new Garcinia something pills are suppose to work.”  

We see you coming, Enough of that.  :/

Not to make excuses, but its my blog, so I will :) So I’ll get real. My mind has comebacks to my self talk dialogues. Here’re my un-original responses.  Some out loud and some as a silent play back.  So you think sir,” I have gained weight?  Have you not looked at your belly and plate portion?”  Or  “Hormones and age do slow it all down, Really!”  “Have you had 5 children and lost the weight 4 times?“  Whoops I forgot to lose for the third time with that fifth child who is now 18.. Or to the young women in their 20’s or 30’s who work out as their main hobby. I want to say, “I have been there with free time and I looked great!  But until you experienced weight gain or motherhood, don’t look at me with disgust!  I know you look amazing now but life will happen. Babies will come and you will get too comfortable.” Or,” Have you not thought maybe my path of life has cut my heart open so I’ll deal with it my way?” Or “ Someone you love will bring sorrow upon you or reject you.” And, “Life and death happen. Someone you love will die and it will hurt, you might comfort your self.” Everyone handles these things differently. Obviously, mine have over stacked. I handle it with tears, sarcasm and food.

Over the years I have watched many fix their weight issue with surgery. That has never been the path for me. I don’t know why but it hasn’t. I think back to the days when I was so thin from unhealthiness of my heart where I barely ate. I starved myself into a size 6 when size sixes were two’s. And even the years where I worked it off so I could eat that day. Yes maintenance through exercise I have done that too!  

I know my triggers and I at times I can stop it. But that day after the jab in the side, I wanted to hit the self destruct button. I was thinking the enemy wants you to react like this. It will helps his cause to keep you fat and wounded.  If only I could pause and wait, the weight issue. Figure out how to not react ….without eating. But revenge of, ”I’ll show you has been my go to reaction.” Please let me comfort my heart with something! Please! 

I really hate the library of videos that I can play of these scenarios. For example: over hearing others talk about me, sneer at me. You do your best to forgive them but it comes up and bites you occasionally. Words hurt and sting and jab and it is like a hot searing in the plank of wood with those wood burning pens. It spells out some awful words into your soul. My heart has broken many times with tears. I have curled up in my bed, I have run a mile but the words are seared. They just burn.

Sweets at the end of the tunnel!
My sister in law told me once and I remember it to this day. Bek just keep doing the right things and when that day comes where your heart is healed, the weight will not be a issue. So I attempt to do those things. I fail a lot. I know my root of this issue has not been fully dug up to bring about that healing she talked about. I do believe she is right on. I can see that day! I dream of that day.

So, at this point after trying so many things, i.e. from books to fat burning pills, to a week at Pritikin, to working out to justify a meal, to losing weight for a life event to fasting. I am changing my view to working at creating my healed heart. This could be done in a instant or over time. With a work out or a prayer. I do not know. But I have to trust this process. I am laying down man’s solutions. Other’s voices! I am attempting at making smart choices in the natural. Knowing there are days I will fail. I can not be legalistically bound to man’s ideas. You might think I am crazy, but this is my journey.

Over the years I know what my heart issues are. Some I have talked about and some that are hidden away for a day when they can be shared to help others.  But for now, I continue to look in the heart mirror for the reflection of my Savior who created me beautifully, “inside and out” ! I hold on to that. Seriously, He died for my stupid issue. I have a plaque by the side of my bed that reads,  “Rebekah, Daughter of the most high King “ That I am! 

I am the King’s daughter! That is my heavenly truth. My scale is not.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

The Girl with Two Fathers!

She has two Fathers in her world. 
They observe and find delight in this girl and cast their love upon her. She abides in the shadow of their wisdom and safety. Upon birth she meets her Father who will raise her and adore and adorn her.

You can see her footprints as she works her life throughout the trails of days and miles. She flitters on the tips of her toes. She dodges the snares. If you look you can see her dance at the amusement of her Daddy. Swirling and jumping her hands moving and her feet prance. She is pure and full of joy. She is fresh and lovely and feels loved and adored. Her smile is broad upon her face. The faithfulness of her two Fathers is her shield.

She runs free as the years accelerate in her youth. She has new growth but still see no danger around her as she trust the world she plays in. Her hair is tousled by the weeds of life and the guardian feathers that cover her. The journey has started to hardened her feet. At times she hides in the trees from her simple disobedience. But she is always loved and wanted. Even if at times the business of her earthly Father has forced a uncomfortable distance. Her other Father is standing quietly along side of her whispering encouragement. 

Age has her yearning to be held close like that of her toddler years. Sometimes the hugs are so healing and other times so distant. Her physical Father has become more occupied by his life events and lack of time together has brought a tear. She has a mixed yearning as she steps out to explore her life. But the Father is there. She is the apple of his eye. 

No trouble can befall her in the quiet place and the light of day as the arrows fly by her. She runs the path of life as she grows. She contemplates her surroundings. The flowers and the butterflies. The smell of sawdust and horses, animals all around her bring her delight. The movement of the trees and the wind around her. She seeks out blue sky and hides under the green branches like a cocoon. The intricacies of creation has her intrigued. She hears the sound of soothing water and birds chirping all around her. She picks up the fruit and sees a mirrored image and know she is the reflection of her Father’s. She turns deep within as it gives her a feeling of safety. Her quietness keeps her alone but also has created a easy fortress that gives her a false hope of security.

Food and nourishment comes in many forms. The guidance she needs is given during these meals and she feels full. The food at the table before her is a great feast that feeds her body but the dessert is the word that quenches the deep rich place.That food stays like a seed planted and gives comfort at the time it’s needed. Her Father’s feed her well and teach her about the enemy. They hope she has ears to hear the truth placed within her above the bustling of the dishes.

In the darkness of her own space danger has approached to test her faith. The darkness that has seeped in has made her sit up in her night hours of where she dwells. Sounds and alarms go off within her as the presence approaches her. The feeling is unseen. What does a little girl’s mind understand about the unseen? The inner scream wants for it to stay in the corner of the room away from her. She can not cry out in the night. She is frozen in her bed. Her sleep in this quiet space wants so badly to come. Even the night light cast shadows. The shadow she imagines stalks her room. The beauty of this girl is not harmed but protected by the unseen angelic guard. The dark presence is pushed back and sleep comes again. She is protected by her Father that guards her.  She remembers the words spoken that 10,000 will fall at her right hand that guard her as she drifts off. In the morning she forgets about the terror of the night.

Journey’s broaden and her earthly Father get about his work. Growth and age brings security that all is well with his daughter. But the heavenly Father’s always stays on guard close with love. All encompassing love. For some reason the daughter also pushes back as she enters the open meadow. Her feet run from path to path. Distance feels like an intriguing call with her name pulling her. Free will comes forth!  She is too young to understand. Once more as she runs she goes faster and faster. Further from safety of both Father’s care. The trees are thick in the orchard. So many open possibilities. In her hunger the fruit draws her and she choose’s to eat it.  She is much like Eve as she listens to a voice that leads her astray. Her father’s motion to her but they allow her free will to drive her. The paths she chooses takes her away. But she is still loved and watched over.

As she grows her choices betray her and birth curses. Truth is imprisoned deep within her fortress. Weeds have grown tall. Her path and her feet are shackled. She works hard to hear the message she is loved and wanted. She does not understand the things that hurt. She forgets her Father’s names as she grows into independence. She believes they abandoned her and many messages feed her lies. She feels she has no value as the world spins. The distant has her Fathers watching the refined moments that tear and sear her.  When is the pain so great she seeks relief? When is the independence and rebellion ready to be submitted?

What she feels is her new freedom from life bondages has her head turning. Her body is starting to ache from the fast run.  She looks around the vast forest for her Father and falls on her knees  As she touches the earth the sound of soothing water quiets her as she remembered what peace felt like. She is drawn to a stream and makes her way to the refreshment of living waters. She rejoices as she finds her Father awaiting her in the cool of the day. The fine sand feels so good upon her feet as she enters the water. The once chosen rocky path breaks free. She hears her Father voice as she comes out of the deep and feels freedom. Cleansing love has broken through. Nothing can separate her from this Father. Good gifts are there and coming. She is washed clean in the flow of the water. She steps back on her path as she rejoices in becoming unshackled by her choices. Her dancing feet return, set free from all that held her down.

In life God has given us our earthly Father to care and provide tangible love and comfort. They teach us the way on this earth. I am ever so thankful for my Dad who has loved me. Encouraged me. And prayed for me the desires of the heart that his heavenly father has shown him for me. I celebrate the journey and the times I needed and felt his love and the times he allowed me to journey alone and grow into the woman I have become. 

But the God of the Universe, whom I call my Abba Father, is the one I now spiritually grow and journey with as my earthly Fathers life enters into his latter years. I look for the leading and prompting of the power and direction of this Father, who created me in the dark secret place. I rejoice that on this day I have been gifted with two Fathers!

The bread and the wine fill my deep hunger all in one meal. The overflow will bring needed peace and I will walk and call upon his hand to guide me in my present journey. He opens my blessings and brings the sun and the rain to fall. He also shows his promises to me in his rainbow as he wills!

Do you know my Abba Father? 

He is the lover of my soul!

He brings me eternity!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

It's that season! Dropping the heart strings!

Ouch! Who pulled that string? Astonished I should have had been prepared. It has happened enough times over the years of motherhood. But not to this degree with this child. Busyness has a way of blinding you to prepare mentally for what is ahead! So how does it feel to have another one of those invisible attached stings to your heart surprise you as it tugs? Sometimes it’s a pull and other times a severed release of letting go. Like a tooth being pulled in a young child’s mouth. You know its going to happen. The string is tied on.  Anticipation. The grimace expectant face. Bam!  A piece is gone. The string drops to the floor and a small bit of bleeding occurs. 

There is a time for everything, and a season
 for every activity under the heavens.

Looking back at being a new Momma I remember the beginning of the love bond. At nine months a natural cut of that which sustains life of the umbilical cord is severed between mother and child. Upon this cut we are designed by God to love this child and help them grow into independent adults. But we are invisibly connected. a threaded needle lacing the outside of a valentine heart. The unseen love-strings keep looping back and forth between our heart to our loved one. From the moment of each event or special moment, draws a new string of that love link. 

 With varying degree's we feel waves of moments poured into a ocean of our heart, ebbing and flowing as a tide. Theirs and ours. Watching their first smile, first step or even standing on a school stage singing a precious ditty. Your heart overflows with joy. You can feel your hand go to your chest covering up your heart trying to contain it all. Who has not done that hand on the heart motion? Could that also be a motion to stop the overflow of a sentiment? You just want to say, “please stop a moment while I take this in or just slow it down.”  This moment happens faster than our feelings can process!

This is that season!  As school ends for the new season of summer break, hearts are being reconfigured. The accomplishments are marked through celebration. Families are going through seasons of change. But behind the scenes are the moms who have had to allow the taut heart strings to be pulled, and dropped to ease the attachment as their children mature. They have little time to process so they shove it back into their overflowing heart. The letting go of heart strings is not only for the parents, but important to the child. 

The change seems so simple as you begin your journey of raising each other. With the many layer the heart has a way of disguising the depth of the soul attachments.There comes that one memorable moment in time when it hits. I visualize it as the moment God opens the door to their destiny and they walk through it. Each with a different gait. Either prodded, pushed, or willingly looking for the new adventure.

It all makes you hurt and makes you smile at the same time! 

Years ago I read a timely book by Carol Kuykendall that was called “Give them Wings.” Carol talks about being a family in flux on a journey to transition. When my oldest graduated from High School back in 1998, I had worked through this book many months prior and thought, “Boy that helped! That was not so bad!”  Several years later I graduated two more. As the kids filtered down I thought I had it handled.

He heals the brokenhearted, binding up their wounds PS 147:3

As my fifth and last child graduated. I knew I could put off the final heart string release for that child's chapter until the coming fall departure. But sometimes things can just twist and you have to face it one way or another.

The day after graduation we put our fourth child, a daughter on a plane to study abroad. The big tug started to tumble down into the wide open meadow of my heart! 

Her preparation was so busy it kept us both unprepared for the journey. Blessed to have my oldest who is a counselor give me the signals! “How are you doing?” she would ask. I knew she was watching me. I was postponing all forms of emotions, thinking this is not the time for heavy processing!  My head was full of details from my sons graduation and summer plans. As my daughter melted at good-bye in the concourse, I sucked it up and did the, stuff the emotions and bag it routine. Then my husband did his version of the “quick eye drip and be done” method.  We all processed this differently. We survived the small eruption, knowing the up coming volcano will be heating up soon enough.

With life there are many sunrises, as God prepares you for the sunsets. Moms do you know the family you see in your photo right now, will forever be changing? Some departing, some added in. In the season of downsizing, empty nesting, I can’t allow this baggage to sit. I will turn my face to the new season much like my husband the coach does. I will look for the things of hopeful anticipation, hold on to a grandchild or two and plan for the future. I know it will be great as God has promised! 

Some seasons are more painful than glorious, but the glorious will emerge. All are necessary to grow..

As the summer heat intensifies and then wanes... the fall moon will then approach with it's harvest setting. When you see the leaves are falling you might want to text your friend and see how see how they are faring loosening those many heart strings! 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I Just Found My Wings and I Am Ready to Fly

Prophetic Art - In the Wings 

Metamorphosis Have you ever thought about your life in terms of a butterfly? I mean honestly looked at a portion of your life and stopped in awe? A butterfly emerges out of four stages before adulthood. Seems like a lot of work! Growth can be exhausting. Like the slow movement of a caterpillar larvae to chrysalis stage. The dark quiet movement of breaking apart. Similar to the inward mush of my soul reforming with the help of imaginal cells coming into something totally different and new! 

Funny, I was so busy handling life I didn’t even notice. I felt at times as if I was hanging from a silk thread. This process was so slow. I was stuck in the chrysalis stage. Then all of a sudden. “BAM”! Things opened up and emerged! Pretty scales becoming brilliant with purpose!

The tests on our journey reveal deep core truths about who we really are. So we take the test. And sometimes we take them again. We wait for the transformation of ourselves to emerge into God’s thumb’s up time. Hidden until the moment of visibility! 

A different story, a different song, a different canvas. Maybe a different wind that brings forth the beauty of a transformed butterfly?

For me that was a early prophetic word in 2003 giving me a peek into my future. Then more tidbits and visions along the way from different places of worship, different spiritual gatherings..so many people of God. 

The changing of my name that was spoken to me by complete strangers over and over. And the wind on the trail opened up a future and a hope. Breaking off the chrysalis that bound me to things that were not suppose to be attached to my path.

Elizabeth St. Hilaire Nelson critiquing art.
Then in the late night of November 2011 a click on a picture on Pinterest. Drawn by colors and a different look and a process. It pulled me and drove me to inquire. A phone call to the amazing artist herself, Elizabeth St. Hilaire Nelson. Her style was about to burst opened years of stuffed imagination in me. Then I watching funds emerge to get me and my girls to Elizabeth's workshop in Sedona in the spring of 2012. The wonders of God pulling together bits and pieces of a destiny. I found my forewing in paper collage!

I love it all! As a part of my process, my gifts and God given talents emerged. The future, into the present. “The NOW” had arrived like they say. Ignoring the mocks and the disbelief of others. That was the old me saying, “No, I can’t do this.” But not now! With the cheering on of my husband, family and prayer partners, I can’t be stopped.

Looking back to my butterfly vision from the night at “The Rock” with a man of God touching my soul. * A new picture of how God is wanting to transform me. One vision and a word. Ignoring the dark clouds on the scene but recognizing they exist.  I absolutely love God’s ways, his puzzles, his purpose, his leading and direction to help you discover yourself! 

Abba (Daddy), I just love and adore you! The pure form of the Trinity. Each part waking me up and bringing a part of who you formed me to be!
You Father, the first all time artist, The Creator of the earth. A huge daily palette of creation for all to see! Thank you for forming me in my mother’s womb with your breathe in me and on my spirit. That breath placing the seed of art in me.
Then your fingerprint, of your living word attached to my hindwing. Your spirit. Your planting of ability. Yes, your word in me. Without that, I could not write. I would be under my own power. I would not have the confidence to do this! I recognize the teaching and pushing of my Dad, who poured God’s word into me. I kicked and scream in my inner spirit and know it all adolescent self!
I am thrilled to be in the front seat of this metamorphous observation. The early exposure of imaginal cells coming together and then the breaking out of a cocoon. Thank you for the early hints of prophetic word. I await the total unfolding of each wing. In the mean time I work towards the goal of having more Christ Jesus in me!

Below is a song that came off of my play lists as I started to write this. It spoke to my soul for the first time though I have heard it before. God has such humor. What a riot!

Lyrics of Ready to Fly by Leann Squier
Link below...
I have been sitting here watching all the eagles fly by. Got my feet on the ground but got my eyes on the sky. Then something starts rising up deep inside. I just found my wings now I am ready to fly. I am ready to fly.. The wind in the trees but I didn’t know why.. I am ready to fly. I am ready to fly. Cause I  just found my wings now I am ready to fly.
I have been waiting and debating not a cloud in the sky. Felt the breeze from the sea but I didn’t know why? Then a voice like the wind rising deep inside. Saying, “Child spread your wings cause your ready to fly!”
I am ready to fly. I am ready to fly. The wind in the trees but I didn’t know why. I am ready to fly. I am ready to fly. Cause I just found my wings now I am ready to fly.
Won’t hesitate its much to late can’t worry about the past. Want no regrets I ain’t finished yet but time keeps standing.. so bye!
I have been sitting here watching all the eagles fly by. Got my feet on the ground but got my eyes on the sky. Then something starts rising up deep inside.I just found my wings now I am ready to fly. I am ready to fly.. The wind in the trees but I didn’t know why.. I am ready to fly. I am ready to fly. Cause I  just found my wings now I am ready to fly.
One catch the breeze of the 7 seas, lift my wings then take flight. What is walking forth when your born to soar and you know that the time is right.
I am ready to fly. I am ready to fly. Cause the wind is in the tree but I didn’t know why. I am ready to fly, I am ready to fly. Cause I just found my wings and I am ready to fly. I am ready...I am ready.. ---

*Interpretation of prophetic art collage, "In the Wings":  I had a man of God say to me. "Let go of the old and look to the new. To just be FREE!" Then my mind shifted to a video playing out in my own vision. Out of the white clouds I saw a beautiful butterfly emerge. As it flew it got more brilliant. The colors sparkled with more intensity like its strength was renewed. As each shift the colors grew bolder, deeper more intense. It flew over the nourishing waters as they were breaking loose and the open door of the future. I saw the intricacies of the wings. It stayed in my sight but out of the corner of my eye I saw a dark storm cloud forming. I started to be concerned for the butterfly. It flew and positioned itself safely and securely under the largest branch of the tree. Held safe from the upcoming storm. 

I hope to see you flying as I daily seek more depth, more growth, more God inspiration!


Saturday, January 25, 2014

Who Moved my Pillow?

Packing up our Cheetah Winds home.
What does adjusting, conforming, and uncomfortableness have to do with me? Everything! And I am not talking about squeezing into jeans! Adjusting into a new awkwardness. Letting go of the old can be a change to anyone. But to a person who is a nester, it is like a crazy person digging through a garden at midnight looking for a can of sanity. People around you flee and hide until the sun is shining again!

"Hole" - A opening into a hollowed out deep place.
"PEG" - a object needing to be secure a gap.

It was too soon for all of us, in our whittled down version of a family, to find ourselves in a forward path. For over a year my husband was circling in and out of selling our newly updated  near perfect home. The time that we thought was right happened in the spring of 2013. My husband scheduled my realtor friend over to sign a contract. I was given a week to conform to the plan and stage my own home which freaked me out. I was not physically, or mentally geared up for this new awkward passage, but in my spirit I knew I had been prepared. 

But the gate is narrow (contracted by pressure) and the way is straighten and compressed that leads away to life, and few are those who find it. Matthew 7:14 AMP 

As expected, the first day of showing our house, our family had a contract and a short amount of time to be moved.  A plan was laid out and there was no way but forward. I threw myself into preparing for a new adventure of where to live with a question of God's desire.. rent, buy? So many choices! The time span was so rushed and confusing. Trying to conform to the new thing and the new shape of the future! Dealing all along with the emotional loss of the familiar things and evolution of change. All along trying to be healthy and unhook our life from the former things that brought us contentment. We were so grateful for those close that supported the journey and we all noticed the missing masses.

We all like holding on to the familiar things that provides us comfort, joy and security.  Newness is like carving out a hole to try and fit into. Can I adjust or is the labor to hard? The question that always sticks, is this the right path, the right shaped peg for this gaping hole of time?

 “Moving”-transition, loss, produces deep emotions, adjusting, impactful

Come all you weary with your heavy loads  Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls
Our family was tired and still in shock as we moved 4 of us quickly into a 3rd floor, 2 bedroom apartment. With hundreds of lives around us in our small down sized square, we were disjointed, displaced, and though together, alone. Trying to act adventuresome to our upheaval teens when it was clearly unwanted and unfamiliar. Taking care to make the surroundings like home but not really hunkering down. Feeling friends and family stay away as to not touch the fray or upset the loose emotional marbles. Making meals in a kitchen that clearly was not ours was a gross feeling as the small refrigerator froze our food. This was abnormal and awkward. The new normal was hard and I would sit on the sofa with streams of tears falling down my face daily as I grieved for our family, the former things and again tried to fit in to a size that was not our ideal. 

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol

My small refuge.
As I trekked up and down the stairs of the apartment with the dog, I constantly asked the Lord what was this about? My kids were trying to adjust, and my husband felt numb. I had to find my niche to stay sane. So I made a 4 x 6 rectangular corner of my world on the patio my hiding place. I sat there every extra moment and sought the Lord. The old and the forced new didn’t fit. What in my logic had to be thrown out? Low and behold I found what God was forcing me into. He reminded me of a preacher 11 years prior. I did not personally know,him. He spoke words over my sister and myself at the hospice of my mom, that we would write. How did a stranger know our hearts desire and plans?

So on a summer night on the 3rd floor patio of our apartment, I finally found the time and the freedom to explore. I look back and see God was leading me into my future. He directs your path and gives you a hope and a future as you enter into the promise land of things spoken. As I sat googling what I though was to be my blog name for my intended title, the whole path switched before me and I came across my new title for this blog. I can remember the moment and wondering how it arrived though I was present. And then it all came together. “My Camouflaged Heart” emerged.  

And the angel of the Lord went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. Numbers 22:26 KJV

So for me the journey of change was a tiny apartment out of my normal lifestyle to get me excited about a new path. The apartment was not home and we felt like we were sardines in a can. So we hunted and searched for a home to rent as we tackle this season of the unknown and wait for the future to unfold. We pulled up into the last driveway after a day of searching for a place to rest our heads and it felt like the closest thing to a home we had felt in months. So for the second time in 3 months we moved 4 people, a dog and our belongings. I worked again to make it feel like our normal. Joy was leaking back into our hearts as we settled in. We were tired from this strange journey and the second regrouping. 

Strive to enter by the narrow door [ force yourselves through it ], for many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able. Luke 13:24 AMP

As we drove away from the apartment the last time my heart ached for the foreigners who lived there who called this their home. The financially stressed. The older residents forced out of their homes by their children or death of a spouse. The single parents, like the moms who supported her kids. Or the men who support a home for their family and live in an apartment. I felt like I was abandoning my prayer closet next to them. This large area with hundreds of lives touching by a wall or a view into each others close window or patio. This must be a part of the new compassion of experience God has added to our heart.

A Iris left behind..there is always another bloom.
Our family fought and endured a hard challenge of transitions as God squeezes us into his path and pushed us out of our comfortable digs of a home into a rental. As our vision and understanding is limited, change has had many rewards. Searching of the soul. Adjustment and many questions. An excitement and wonder of what’s ahead. Turning off the old “GPS” of others voices that for years had given us directions that were not our own. A new season of holes being filled and new pegs representing trust that were being whittled as we cling to our family and our faith in the future and await the next step on this journey called life.

So it is with our own spiritual passage of life. I watch those around me having to adjust to life choices as a result of a situation that others forced them to make in a marriage, divorce, aging, illness or finances. I weep and cry for many in theses difficult passageways. I know the transformation will be life changing and impactful. Visualizing what could come, and the heartache of moving that cheese.* You hope the uncomfortable transition will pass quickly as they make the journey to something better and new. That they will slow and hear God's message and love and find he is the peg they need to secure the empty hole.

Journey to any new place is temporal and it leaves a big gaping familiar hole to fill. With the loss, is a new gain. Thus adding with it many large question marks!  So we sit with that question mark before us. With this coming year keeping peace at hand. My husband reminds me, “Faith brings hope, Hope secures the future.”                                                       
I say, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim
 In the light of His glory and grace”

Monday, January 20, 2014

Exposed by the Wind

Could you allowed the wind to ruffle the pages of your life story…To expose the chapters of twist and turns? Let others view the deep highs and low? Or even hope with you for the long awaited promised victory? 
That is exactly what God did when he shared the bold Bible stories of men and women.
The Lord writes many faith exploits beginning with people knowing the agony of defeat. Silent nights of the soul filled with despair. Trouble becoming their friend. You feel their lack of hope that they may never fulfill their destiny. Be encouraged! 
God is not through writing your story and certainly not mine. 
To be honest, at times I have not loved my story. I have heard, “God gives us the exact experiences he wants for us in order to shape the destiny he designed for us.” Sorrow and trials can build into a future and a hope. Out of the ashes of so much wrong.

Life feels at times like a highway where you are stuck behind a slow car with no where to pass. You wish you were in the fast lane. Where you see your friends have traveled. But the fast lane at times has not been so great. Your character in that lane can come into unseen pressures and exposures that need work and development. The fast lane has issues.
You pray for movement and a quick lesson.  Hoping not to rewinding the scenario over and over. Waiting to pass the test. Watching others speed by. Feeling the clock tick. You know you have potential if you could just find your footing on the right path! That hidden untapped path. 
The other day I watched a video of a field in Israel. The storm blew in and exposed all of the old hidden mines and traps from a past war that was there to kill and destroy. But God showed up in the wind and laid bare the mines. It was a powerful visual of a true story of God and the wind of the Spirit! Exodus 10:19 
Those land mines can paralyze you and for some people life is lost and taken. 
Sitting on your story destroys faith and does not help or preserve the purpose with which you are intended for.
Don’t lose faith! God can redeem any mistakes, hidden dreams and even time! All of a sudden things will tick, the lane will open up. You will be in awe as you travel down your road and others will say, “I didn’t see that coming!” God’s plan is just like that. You just have to hang in there as the wind blows and exposes your path.  
So I watch and wait as hope builds and the wind of the Spirit blows in my destiny upon my life story!
I am waiting for your hope to arise in your story!
See the field? See the traps? See the narrow path of life as it moves around the path the enemy wanted to steer you? See the light of God.. it is good!

The Lord is good and his mercy and plans endures forever.